I was described as an "Ice Queen". I had thought it was uber funny that I nearly fell off my chair until I see my flustered friends--that changed my disposition. I never knew I still don a vestige of my old self... I always tell those who care to listen that my cool veneer was a product of closetted upbringing of stict parents and "Canossian" virtues ingraned in me by the seemingly ominous nuns.

When I was growing up, I was guarded and stilted by decorums and propriety. I never wanted to stumble not because I abhor the pain but I fear being castigated by my parents. I was one of those few children who never knew the pleasure of scooting around in a bike simply beacuse I was never allowed to by my parents. I envied the stench of kids horsing around undfer the scourging summer sun, or those kids bathing naked in the rain. Over the years, i perceived my fears with disdain and I I sworn that it was only a matter of time... I'll show my true form somebay. Until then, I followed every single bidding of my elders  with calm acceptance. I've followed every single rule on the "What-SHould-Be" book that my parents lived by... I never had a boyfriend when I was studying, I warded off attentions and influence that can lead me astray, I religiously went to church with my parents, I spent my weekend at home, I celebrated birthdays and holidays with my parents, I've been a living saint then.

Bidding for my time, my rebelious streak finally materialized when I finished College. When I flew away from home and started working, I was like a little moth enraptured by the candle, a fish just out of the pond, a babe rearing to experience life! I took every adventure in a stride. I have taken calculated risks that i thought was enough to shell out my "Ice queen" image:

Fly fish adventure that nearly frightened me to death...

Bridge Jump @ 30 feet high... taking things to the extreme and doing it twice!

Zip Line in Cagayan de Oro that cured my vertigo but nearly caused em my sanity...

Rapeling in Pelaez ranch and smiling on cam even if the adrenaline rush  kills me...

Island hoping with no vest on a decrepit boat without elise in Palawan...

River Rafting at the most turbulent part of the river and nearly losing my grip...

Riding an humungous elephant and smiling for photo opt as if it's the most natural way to fight my nerves...

Tiger chase and feeding them as if they are the most tame creatures...

Caborting with snakes and crocodiles, my most hated creatures on earth...

Sky experience adventure that either cured my fear of heights or aggravates it (cant decide which..)

Sky walk and sky coaster ride that made me puke...

illegal crossing of Boarder from Malaysia to Thailand coz the queue was long and I

need to pee ( i thought ill be transported back to Phil)

Lastly after decades of waiting, an ice was thawed... The greatest adventure so far! I fell deeply in love for the first time and tried everything that it entails... :)

In my journey, I stopped calculating my risks adn I travelled light. I carry with me not a lot of baggage. As a backpacker, I dont carry loads of cash and prejudices. I embraced the journey as equally exciting as my destination. I was pleased that I was the master of my life... at least until my calous friend pointed out that I am still an emotional retard and I am no better than a cautious child..

I may have conquered the obvious fears but the ensconsed fears were merely fortified with my jet-setter-existence. I still am a babe, who has not grown emotionally. I have perfected the art of making travelling as an excuse to compenate for the lack of commitment and emotional entanglements.  I thought I've conquered my basic fears but someone worthy came along and I run an extra mile-- to lose him. I took the easy way out and pretended to be  too busy to be bothered. Finally, with proddings from me, he relented and left me in peace to do the things that i thought made me happier...and then he cane back at the right time to hopefully keep this rascal forever.

Finally, I can claim I am no ice queen coz i wanted The chemical imbalance that I used to wonder about and compel me to dissipate has given be what I have always wanted..to be an active participant and not a mere observer/traveller....

"A woman who pretends to laugh at love is like a child who sings at night when he is afraid"

I once told a friend that desolation usually compels one to write... I guess I was right! It's been years since I updated this blog. Perhaps I was busy being happy...  Everytime I feel the inclination to write the experiences I had, I find myself procrastinating, stalling for time. I feel like my words could not accurately describe the exquisite and exciting mometns. I started several drafts but words pale in comparison with the beauty of life. I almost forgot I had a blog. It was a busy, fulfilling, perfect years for me that I never contemplated on rationalizing the moments... I just cant put such raw emotions into writing until now.

It doesn't take a sage to figure out why. Well, for the first time in years, I feel lonesome...

"Writing is not a profession, but a vocation of unhappiness. "

Dimasalang

I agree with Doug Manning that the world is a half glass of water.  Some elect to see it for all its dangers, imperfections, disappointments and failures.  Others see the achievements, relationships, humor and possibilities.  Same world.  Different perspectives. I may bicker and rant that life sucks but it's never half empty....

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'
--Jack Handey 

“Let the future say of our generation that we sent forth the mighty currents of hope and that we worked together to heal the world.”

I have invariably envisaged myself ensconced in a place that alleviates the suffering of the poor. A life that makes a difference as I assuage the affliction of the impoverished.  I pledged to myself that I will bear the brunt for my least fortunate brothers… Yeah right, dream on!

Three long years, and I am hailed as the lone Batch 20A survivor. Is this a feat to be proud of? In this world of infinite options, I find myself enslaved in this zone that feeds me. I would have wanted to be an enfranchised bird and fly away from this humdrum travail; however, I am deterred by financial constraints. I cannot declare independence and go back home while I wait for “the perfect job”.

Every single day, this job appears less bearable, not because of the hard labor that we have to perpetuate but because of the stringent “policies” that seem to go against the very grain of humanity. Superiors who call themselves “leaders” have the temerity to strengthen their resolve to hurl their stiffling reigns that incite trepidation. In this penitentiary that we call “workplace”, our very right to be human is curtailed. Our wings are furled and our voices muffled as we remain passive observant of injustice done, for fear of our dire survival. Only time will tell when I will muster enough courage to put a halt on this lunacy...

"Each time a man stands up for an idea, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends a tiny ripple of hope… those ripples build current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and injustice"

Sa mga naghahanap ng paliwanag, paano ko ipapaintindi ang mga bagay na sa sarili ko ay hindi ko kayang maarok? Sa sarili ko, walang mali sa aking nadarama, subalit sa ibang nag aanalisa, lumalabas na isang pagkakasala. Maraming bagay na mas makabubuting tanggapin kasya hanapan ng paliwanag. Kung rasyonalidad ang pag uusapan, hindi kayang abutin ng utak ang idinidikta ng pandama. Ang tanong sa bakit, sino, ano, saan, kelan at paano ay parating nangsasakdal... Kung kaya nga inimbento ang pluma, mas maraming bagay ang mailalathala na hindi kayang isambulat ng bibig na sakbibi ng pangamba, para sa nakabusal na bibig ay nakalalaya lamang pansamantala. ....

Your ameliorating eyes see through my resilience

Showing me conscientisation despite my reservation

In the zenith of your exalted status

You reached for me in the mire of destitute

Unleashing the shackles of my imbedded emotions

You arms around me thawed the ice encasing my stoic veneer

The stubbles on your face against mine was a ray of hope

When I staggered, your dexterity strengthened my resolve…

In the verge of surrender, your faith was my salvation

Humbling my imperious arrogance

You cosseted me against the contemptuous world 

I envisaged myself with you incessantly

Immersed forever in the depths of your soul

Alas, the onset came in too late

The end came in too soon

My true north was a transient wind

Who was meant to bid me adieu

The sole thing that was so right for me

But was never rightfully mine to keep…

Dimasalang

-thank you for passing by...